Vincent's Story

Between a mother diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease, and wife of 22 years, who do you choose when the relationship begins to unravel? For Vincent, 49, this painful question defines his daily reality. Under one roof, he juggles the emotional strain of living with his feuding mother and wife, Dionne.

Professionally, Vincent has spent 24 years in banking and credit sales—a world of structure and control. But at home, chaos reigns. Besides the usual tension between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the conflict between his mom and wife had been further fuelled by his mother’s belief that their zodiac signs were incompatible.

Both of his parents worked hard to support the family, his father started work at the young age of 12 years old. As for his mother, she started work as a seamstress. Subsequently, she became a bus ticket conductor, and later obtained a driving licence to be a public bus driver - a role she proudly held until her retirement. Much of Vincent’s childhood were in the care of extended family members or friend while his parents were at work. “Usually, someone else would care for me,” he admits. “So I wasn’t that close to my parents growing up as I normally could only spend the weekends with them.”

Vincent’s father passed away after a five-month battle with cancer, leaving Vincent and his mother. One day, Vincent caught his mother crying alone in her room. Although they did not talk about it, he shared that it hurts him to see his mother missing her husband of 25 years. Feeling a sense of guilt, “My dad is gone, and that's why I want to take care of my mother,” he says quietly. His mother was orphaned at a young age but was later adopted and continues to stay in touch with her adoptive family, who have been caring and supportive.

Since Vincent and Dionne got married, they have been living together with Vincent’s mother within the same household. Everything was peaceful until 2018 when Vincent noticed more frequent incidents where his mother would complain of missing items, and started to accuse Dionne of hiding her belongings. The “missing” items were always found well hidden in random places in her room. She became more hostile towards Dionne and started accusations of Dionne trying to harm her and insulting her. Vincent’s initial thoughts were that his mother may be getting forgetful due to old age and possibly just a misunderstanding between his mother and his wife. 

Fortunately, Dionne was introduced to Mindfull Community Limited who visited her workplace. The couple visited the booth at Institute of Mental Health and was introduced to Caregivers-to-Caregivers (C2C) Education Programme after a fruitful conversation with the staff. Vincent shared that the programme had laid the useful foundation for them to have a better understanding of his mother’s condition.

Unfortunately, the situation worsened when the physical lockdown was imposed during the COVID-19 pandemic, and his mother’s behaviours become more erratic and unpredictable. Besides the false accusations, she started to become verbally abusive with anger and hatred. “She was very nasty with her words,” Vincent recalls.

Working from home became harder. His mother’s forgetfulness disrupted his work and attention. It became a norm to be helping her to look for her “missing” items, only for her to hide them again within 5 minutes. Once, he spent five hours searching for her missing phone which she had hidden within a pile of clothes in her wardrobe.

“One day, I lost control,” Vincent admits. “I shook her very hard and shouted, ‘Why did you do this to me?’” And yet, Vincent's mom responded with a blank look on her face, looking completely lost and having no idea of her son's frustrations. When Vincent loses his temper, his mom often just shrugs and says that she is going to sleep.

However, these episodes left Vincent feeling guilty. What followed was months of anxiety, and caregiver burnout. “It started with a persistent headache,” he recalls. Seeking help, Vincent began his search for self-therapy and worked with a life coach. “It helped me understand that I need to keep myself mentally strong & resilient to take better care of my mother.”  Subsequently, when the situation at home improved, both Vincent and Dionne attended the training programme organised by Mindfull, to be a volunteer trainer for the C2C Education Programme.

Despite the strain, his marriage also became a source of strength. “My wife helps me, and I help my mom,” he explains. About 2 years ago, Dionne opened her heart towards Vincent’s mother and gifted her a personalised mug — a small but meaningful gesture that warmed Vincent’s heart. “I was so proud of her,” he smiles. “She’s really trying”. Dionne's relationship with his mother has since became less strained.

After Vincent and Dionne made significant efforts to learn more about Dementia and caregiving, the situation at home has improved. However, his biggest worry lingers: “If something happens to me, I don’t know what will happen to my mom,” he admits. He shared that he does not expect his wife to become the primary caregiver to his mother if he is not around.

What keeps him going is knowing that what his mother wants. “She’s told me before that she is happy just to see me every single day” he says. “And in those moments, I know — no matter how difficult the journey is, I am doing the right thing.”